So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
