C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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