Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
