He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
