after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
