I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
