you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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