just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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