I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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