We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
