I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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