WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I wish there were birth control emojis
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
