True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
