he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
