anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize