Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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