I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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