Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
