Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
