I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
