tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
