I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
should my penis look like a turkey
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
