And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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