It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
