saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
