The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
