drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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