so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
