You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
