I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
How does it feel to date your dad?
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