I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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