OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Please, let me fuck your mom
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
