Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
