Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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