Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
