I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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