drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
