textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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