remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
