She went from zero to smokin in five shots
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
