Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
