You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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