i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
