I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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