Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
