Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
