Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
