I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
