I could make wine with my vomit
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
