oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Why are your pants in the freezer?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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