I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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