Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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