in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I understand Curling. That high.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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