I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
