Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
