You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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