I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
