u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
