My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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