even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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