Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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