I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
