billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
