you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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