He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
